It's all in his hands......

When we came back to Utah at the end of Summer the three of us had a little bit of a rough time adjusting.  Brandon was back to his terrible schedule of full time work and 18 credits of school. He had such an amazing summer at his internship and to go back to something he isn't in love with was/is really hard for him.  He leaves at 6:30 every morning and gets home between 9 and 10pm Monday thru Friday.  I think for Walker he was a little bored with me, not sleeping or eating, whiney, aggressive, went from seeing his daddy everyday when he woke up from his nap to only on the weekends, and not being around a lot of people and playing with others besides his mama.  And for myself I was just a hot mess ;).  I was feeling both of the boys frustrations.....

But lets rewind a couple months.  We were talking about baby #2 back in march.  So we went to NYC in May.  We weren't trying or preventing and nothing happened.  So we tried again in June.  Ovulation tests and all.  Nothing happened.  Tried again in July.  August 10th brandon was at an Angel game with my brother.  So i ran to Walmart took a test and it came back POSITIVE!!!  I couldn't wait for Brandon to get home.  I was doing the silent happy dance in the bathroom because I didn't want the rest of the family to think something was up (we were living with my parents at the time).  Brandon gets home and I snuck him away and we were sooooo excited!  "perfect timing"  I would be due in April, Brandon was graduating in April,  we would move back to California for good in May,  and then all my dumb reasonings of why it was perfect..... I would be pregnant during the winter again (which I loved), I wouldn't have to change Drs, and they would be a little over 2 years apart.  In our heads this was the best case scenario.  But it was exactly that.  I was feeling pretty good and I knew the day I woke up on week 6 I would be miserable.  That exact thing happened.  Just like when I was pregnant with Walker.  I started taking B6 and unisom around 7.5 weeks. The next day I felt a little better.  Still pregnant and yucky, but I was able to actually get out of the house.  That was improvement.  Hold on.......At about 4 weeks we came home from dinner with some friends ( and they had no idea) and I felt HUGE!!! I know you show earlier with your 2nd 3rd ect. but this was strange.  That night I washed my face, took a picture of my belly, and said to Brandon, my mom, and my three sister in laws, "I am literally pregnant with twins maybe even triplets" they all kinda laughed and Brandon said, "babe its nighttime and its your second" That was all true, but  I was only four weeks and showing like I was at week 18 with Walker.  It was weird.  So anyways, I was feeling better and I was able to eat a little more as well.  Deep down I had an anxious feeling the whole time.  I knew something was wrong.  I kept saying stuff about it to my family, but Everyone kept reassuring me things were fine.  One example was my sister in law came home from her mission at midnight!!! I was about 8 or 9 weeks.  I didn't go to bed til around 2 and I was completely fine.  Now anyone that has been pregnant knows that is not ok.  Especially in your first trimester.  We kept trucking along and was just waiting for my 10 week appt.   Tuesday, September 25th came around and I was so anxious.  I got to my appt.   they did all my weight, blood pressure, the whole thing.  I still "knew" something wasn't right.  Lindsey, the ultrasound tech, came and got me and I just love her!!!!  I said "I'm a little nervous for some reason and it hasn't gone away in a couple weeks".  She once again reassured me everything was fine.  She lays me down on the bed with Brandon to my left her to my right.  Put the doppler on my tummy and I knew by the look on her face.  I said " I knew it" and she answered with "I'm sorry hun theres no heartbeat"  I immediately burst into tears.  She goes on to show me what she sees and there wasn't only one baby in there...... there were two.  Anyone who knows me knows I have always wanted twins. Crazy right?! :) They were measuring at 7.5 weeks, exactly when I noticed I was feeling somewhat better.  I had no signs of miscarrying.  No bleeding, no cramps, nothing.  Just mother intuition I guess.  The first thing I asked was If she though my IUD had anything to do with it.  I had heard things and was a little skeptical about getting it.  She said absolutely not. The babies were in the same sac.  meaning identical twins and also meaning high risk.  twins usually have their own sac own placenta.  So in the long run it could have been dangerous.  For that I was extremely grateful.  We go on to talk about my options.  I could 1. miscarry on my own at home and that could take a couple weeks of heavy bleeding and very painful. Or 2. get a D&C.  I asked Lindsey her opinion and she said D&C, with no hesitation.  If I lost the babies almost three weeks prior to my appt. and still nothing I couldn't wait around wondering if todays the day.  Having a D&C was the best thing!! It was so easy and the next day I literally felt back to me.  My hormones were all crazy for about 2-3 weeks though.  Which is normal.  My body thought I just had a baby.  Thats also why I felt somewhat pregnant sick still because my body thought I was pregnant.  It was a roller coaster of emotions to say the least.  I would be walking up the stairs and have the thought of what just happened and just sit on the stairs in tears. It was not fun for any of us :( My D&C was schedule for two days later.  Thank heavens for amazing moms.  She flew in the morning of and was there with me and Brandon.  It was an outpatient procedure, but I was still nervous.  Anesthetics always makes me nervous.  We were so lucky to have my mom there and my mother in law and sister in law stayed with Walker the entire day.   I flew back to California for 10 days with my mom.  With Brandon always gone and me feeling like a train wreck it was the best thing for me and Walker.  It kept us busy and helped me move on.  

I still think about it often and it makes me sad, but I finally feel at peace with it.  From the beginning I always felt that in my head I was ok.  I wasn't begging for answers or wondering "why me" I knew it wasn't the right time and something could have been wrong with those sweet little babes.  I felt extremely grateful for having this amazing gospel in my life and knowing someday I will get to see them again.  My head was fine. it was my heart.  I was literally heart broken.  I felt so sad and the drop of a hat would throw me over the edge.  I also felt bad for Brandon.  The people that did know were extremely amazing to us.  More concerned with me than Brandon and one night I asked him if he was sad about that.  For guys its so different.  Us girls are moms the second we take a positive pregnancy test.  They dont fully feel it until that beautiful baby is born.  Which is fine and I was so glad to know he was ok and just more sad for me.  To have a supportive husband, family, and friends was amazing.  I know you aren't "supposed" to tell people you are pregnant until you are through with your first trimester.  We didn't tell many people, but the thought of nobody knowing after all this happened made me so grateful for the love and support of those who did.  It was unreal and I could never thank them all enough.  We got dinners, treats, flowers, etc.  I felt so overwhelmed with love and so extremely grateful.  I now look back and just feel so blessed.  It wasn't the right timing and I am ok with that.  We are ready to move and keep trying.  I also feel so extremely grateful for Walker.  To have a healthy baby is all you could ever ask for.  Who cares when you have the baby or what the sex may be.  I do think everything happens for a reason and maybe this had to happen for me to realize all that other stuff doesn't matter.

Needless to say, we are doing great and Brandon is back in the swing of his crazy schedule, Walker is back to his fun crazy self :) and I feel great and back to normal! 

Sorry if this was a downer post, but I just wanted to share my experience with anyone that may have gone through this or might go through it in the future ( I hope not).  So many people reached out to me that went through something similar and I had no idea they went through it.  Just another eye opener of "you never know what someone is going through". You always think it could never happen to "you" and yes it could always be worse, but that never makes what your trial may be at that exact time easy.  I also hope your not all wondering why I would post all these details, the truth of that matter is I have like 2 people look at my blog anyways hahaha :) And like I always say this is my journal.

XOXO

I just love this picture.  This is how we announced to my family we were preg.  Love him!

my picture I took at 4 weeks

these flowers were all so beautiful!!!