blog background

Saturday, November 10, 2012

It's all in his hands......

When we came back to Utah at the end of Summer the three of us had a little bit of a rough time adjusting.  Brandon was back to his terrible schedule of full time work and 18 credits of school. He had such an amazing summer at his internship and to go back to something he isn't in love with was/is really hard for him.  He leaves at 6:30 every morning and gets home between 9 and 10pm Monday thru Friday.  I think for Walker he was a little bored with me, not sleeping or eating, whiney, aggressive, went from seeing his daddy everyday when he woke up from his nap to only on the weekends, and not being around a lot of people and playing with others besides his mama.  And for myself I was just a hot mess ;).  I was feeling both of the boys frustrations.....
But lets rewind a couple months.  We were talking about baby #2 back in march.  So we went to NYC in May.  We weren't trying or preventing and nothing happened.  So we tried again in June.  Ovulation tests and all.  Nothing happened.  Tried again in July.  August 10th brandon was at an Angel game with my brother.  So i ran to Walmart took a test and it came back POSITIVE!!!  I couldn't wait for Brandon to get home.  I was doing the silent happy dance in the bathroom because I didn't want the rest of the family to think something was up (we were living with my parents at the time).  Brandon gets home and I snuck him away and we were sooooo excited!  "perfect timing"  I would be due in April, Brandon was graduating in April,  we would move back to California for good in May,  and then all my dumb reasonings of why it was perfect..... I would be pregnant during the winter again (which I loved), I wouldn't have to change Drs, and they would be a little over 2 years apart.  In our heads this was the best case scenario.  But it was exactly that.  I was feeling pretty good and I knew the day I woke up on week 6 I would be miserable.  That exact thing happened.  Just like when I was pregnant with Walker.  I started taking B6 and unisom around 7.5 weeks. The next day I felt a little better.  Still pregnant and yucky, but I was able to actually get out of the house.  That was improvement.  Hold on.......At about 4 weeks we came home from dinner with some friends ( and they had no idea) and I felt HUGE!!! I know you show earlier with your 2nd 3rd ect. but this was strange.  That night I washed my face, took a picture of my belly, and said to Brandon, my mom, and my three sister in laws, "I am literally pregnant with twins maybe even triplets" they all kinda laughed and Brandon said, "babe its nighttime and its your second" That was all true, but  I was only four weeks and showing like I was at week 18 with Walker.  It was weird.  So anyways, I was feeling better and I was able to eat a little more as well.  Deep down I had an anxious feeling the whole time.  I knew something was wrong.  I kept saying stuff about it to my family, but Everyone kept reassuring me things were fine.  One example was my sister in law came home from her mission at midnight!!! I was about 8 or 9 weeks.  I didn't go to bed til around 2 and I was completely fine.  Now anyone that has been pregnant knows that is not ok.  Especially in your first trimester.  We kept trucking along and was just waiting for my 10 week appt.   Tuesday, September 25th came around and I was so anxious.  I got to my appt.   they did all my weight, blood pressure, the whole thing.  I still "knew" something wasn't right.  Lindsey, the ultrasound tech, came and got me and I just love her!!!!  I said "I'm a little nervous for some reason and it hasn't gone away in a couple weeks".  She once again reassured me everything was fine.  She lays me down on the bed with Brandon to my left her to my right.  Put the doppler on my tummy and I knew by the look on her face.  I said " I knew it" and she answered with "I'm sorry hun theres no heartbeat"  I immediately burst into tears.  She goes on to show me what she sees and there wasn't only one baby in there...... there were two.  Anyone who knows me knows I have always wanted twins. Crazy right?! :) They were measuring at 7.5 weeks, exactly when I noticed I was feeling somewhat better.  I had no signs of miscarrying.  No bleeding, no cramps, nothing.  Just mother intuition I guess.  The first thing I asked was If she though my IUD had anything to do with it.  I had heard things and was a little skeptical about getting it.  She said absolutely not. The babies were in the same sac.  meaning identical twins and also meaning high risk.  twins usually have their own sac own placenta.  So in the long run it could have been dangerous.  For that I was extremely grateful.  We go on to talk about my options.  I could 1. miscarry on my own at home and that could take a couple weeks of heavy bleeding and very painful. Or 2. get a D&C.  I asked Lindsey her opinion and she said D&C, with no hesitation.  If I lost the babies almost three weeks prior to my appt. and still nothing I couldn't wait around wondering if todays the day.  Having a D&C was the best thing!! It was so easy and the next day I literally felt back to me.  My hormones were all crazy for about 2-3 weeks though.  Which is normal.  My body thought I just had a baby.  Thats also why I felt somewhat pregnant sick still because my body thought I was pregnant.  It was a roller coaster of emotions to say the least.  I would be walking up the stairs and have the thought of what just happened and just sit on the stairs in tears. It was not fun for any of us :( My D&C was schedule for two days later.  Thank heavens for amazing moms.  She flew in the morning of and was there with me and Brandon.  It was an outpatient procedure, but I was still nervous.  Anesthetics always makes me nervous.  We were so lucky to have my mom there and my mother in law and sister in law stayed with Walker the entire day.   I flew back to California for 10 days with my mom.  With Brandon always gone and me feeling like a train wreck it was the best thing for me and Walker.  It kept us busy and helped me move on.  
I still think about it often and it makes me sad, but I finally feel at peace with it.  From the beginning I always felt that in my head I was ok.  I wasn't begging for answers or wondering "why me" I knew it wasn't the right time and something could have been wrong with those sweet little babes.  I felt extremely grateful for having this amazing gospel in my life and knowing someday I will get to see them again.  My head was fine. it was my heart.  I was literally heart broken.  I felt so sad and the drop of a hat would throw me over the edge.  I also felt bad for Brandon.  The people that did know were extremely amazing to us.  More concerned with me than Brandon and one night I asked him if he was sad about that.  For guys its so different.  Us girls are moms the second we take a positive pregnancy test.  They dont fully feel it until that beautiful baby is born.  Which is fine and I was so glad to know he was ok and just more sad for me.  To have a supportive husband, family, and friends was amazing.  I know you aren't "supposed" to tell people you are pregnant until you are through with your first trimester.  We didn't tell many people, but the thought of nobody knowing after all this happened made me so grateful for the love and support of those who did.  It was unreal and I could never thank them all enough.  We got dinners, treats, flowers, etc.  I felt so overwhelmed with love and so extremely grateful.  I now look back and just feel so blessed.  It wasn't the right timing and I am ok with that.  We are ready to move and keep trying.  I also feel so extremely grateful for Walker.  To have a healthy baby is all you could ever ask for.  Who cares when you have the baby or what the sex may be.  I do think everything happens for a reason and maybe this had to happen for me to realize all that other stuff doesn't matter.

Needless to say, we are doing great and Brandon is back in the swing of his crazy schedule, Walker is back to his fun crazy self :) and I feel great and back to normal! 

Sorry if this was a downer post, but I just wanted to share my experience with anyone that may have gone through this or might go through it in the future ( I hope not).  So many people reached out to me that went through something similar and I had no idea they went through it.  Just another eye opener of "you never know what someone is going through". You always think it could never happen to "you" and yes it could always be worse, but that never makes what your trial may be at that exact time easy.  I also hope your not all wondering why I would post all these details, the truth of that matter is I have like 2 people look at my blog anyways hahaha :) And like I always say this is my journal.

I just love this picture.  This is how we announced to my family we were preg.  Love him!

my picture I took at 4 weeks

these flowers were all so beautiful!!!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Summer Fun... Fall Already?!?!

Well what do you know..... This blog thing I may not be good at but at least I remember sometimes right? I honestly cant believe it is Fall here in Utah, not to mention almost Halloween!!!!! I do love Fall here and I have to say it is the most beautiful time of year here! The colors are unreal right now.  But anyways, Im blogging about our unforgettable Summer.  We were on cloud nine.  We have lived away from family the whole time we have been married (minus Cory and Kels, but they are our best friends so it was a plus).  In the last year Brandons parents moved up here and it has been fun to have them close by.  When we see my family its never for a long period of time so its not that bad leaving.  We of course miss them, but its one of those things that we don't really know any different.  Until we spent all summer long with them.  My parents have the kind of house everyone is always at.  The best kind of house right? So fun! Brandon did his internship in OC and we stayed with my parents.  We had so much fun.... visiting friends, spending time with cousins, sea world, beach, exploring the state we both grew up in and never really did much but stay in our town, yummy eating, shopping, swimming swimming swimming, and what I loved most is having brandon home around 3 and him being so happy doing what he loves.... Construction!  I have always been undecided or didn't really care where we ended up.  Part of me never wants to leave Utah.... I love the seasons, how affordable it is, all the fun kids for Walker, and more low key then California.  Brandon has been all about starting his career in California which is fine, but I was ok with staying in Utah too.  Until our Summer happened and I saw how hard it was on all of us to leave after four months of bliss :( We see the light at the end of the tunnel :) We miss it everyday and are itching to get back there when Brandon graduates in April..... Fingers crossed!  Just some pics of our summer....

A fun getaway in SF with our favorite

a normal day.....ugh. perfect!

my cute beach babe

mothers day

He was this happy 24-7  made me so happy!

cute cousins

typical weekend..... breakfast at the beach

and a typical sunday.... church and family swim/bbq

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Walkers go to Sea World

I can't believe all 15 of us made it out the door and on the same day to Sea World! Its so nice that all my siblings live in the same city as my parents (were the only ones who screw it up living in Utah) haha but, it is nice for family dinners and stuff.  Nevertheless, it doesn't make it any easier with all of our crazy schedules and babies to get us all to an amusement park together.  We did it!!!  We all had so much fun, the park wasn't crowded, and the weather was perfect.  We love San Diego so much! Love my growing family and can't wait to do something like that again!

Watching Shamu!!!!


The three older ones loving the dolphins

Seriously, these two are the cutest

Eatin our sandwiches and watching the Shamu show (which BTW is not the same since the trainers cant get in the water, so lame)

Amazing!! love this view, love this show

The last time we went to Sea World, the next day Brandon proposed to me and we took a picture in this same spot......awwwwww so cute right?!?! haha

hahaha my dad and his popcorn and of course Walker loved it too

Cute Grammie holding Nolan (the newest little guy)

he makes me laugh so much.  Loved his sucker

Me and Xavs and Baby "B"

Christmas Card anyone???

what a sweepy whittle guy (i love how he ALWAYS crosses his feet :))

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Let Freedom Ring....

Next to Christmas I love the fourth of July.  I love everything about it..... the food, BBQs, swimming, the weather, the music, the fun outfits you can wear (haha), the fireworks, the endless amounts of activities you can do, and most of all being with friends and family!  I am quite obsessed.  Growing up my family has always done a big fourth of July party in the backyard.  My parents live on a golf course (just recently turned into a bunch of weeds :( sad day) but after BBQing and swimming all day we would get our dessert and go sit out on the golf course and watch the fireworks from Corona High School, where me and my brothers all went to high school.  It was so much and always one of my favorite childhood memories.  Well, after moving to Utah a few years back I fell in love with all the fun Utah has to offer for the fourth.  Especially Stadium of  Fire.  I was kinda bummed we weren't going to be there this year for it, but we made some fun plans in California and had a Party at my parents house once again.  My whole family and so many family friends came.  We went to the Corona parade in the morning, swam and BBQed in the afternoon, and went to the biggest park in Corona where they do an awesome firework show.  It turned out to be so fun and a great day.  Walker enjoyed the fireworks and loved swimming and playing, but nothing compared to how much he loved the parade haha. Happy Fourth of July!!!

PS the pics are out of order.  Does anyone know how to fix that when your uploading them?? thanks

My cute boys at the parade

I still cant believe I am married WITH a baby.  Its so fun!!


Its been so fun playing with my childhood friend Sammy and her cute little guy.

Some of the Walker fam at the parade

Of course we got donuts!!!

HIs new thing.... it seriously cracks us up.  he literally says, "where did da dog go?" all one word and with his hand up and face concerned.  its hilarious and so cute

Five Grandchildren under the age of 3.  Arent my parents so lucky?!?!

Tell me he isnt the cutest!!!! UGH!!!!!

Firework show

Most of the gang is in this pic ( I guess Grammie is dancing with the babes haha)

Precious..... best buds!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

He is getting too big :(

Since we have been in California Walker has changed sooo much! Everyday I see something new from him and it is so fun to watch.  So glad my parents are here to see all these fun changes in him.  He got his first fat lip (by falling down at Cold Stone for Addisons 2nd Birthday) and his daddy cut off his rattail/mullet thing.....ya Brandon wanted to not me! His talking and eating are out of control.  He loves the swimming pool, loves being outside, is obsessed with pushing anything around like brooms, trash cans, swiffers, shovels, etc.... he loves ice cream cones, and talking, talking, talking.  He now says so many funny things and copies everything we do.
He says.....
"nanana" - banana
"sue" - shoes
"gogurt" - yogurt
"bye" (while waving)
"see ya"
"cacka" - cracker
"waaaaa" - water
"caaaaar" - car
"dawg" - dog, he really does say it like that spelling and then barks twice haha
"nigh nigh"
and a whole bunch of jibber jabber all the time!!!

:( poor bubbs

isn't it awesome?!?!? haha

did such a good job being still

Grammie and Grampie spoil him all the time with treats!

I could eat him!!! he is the cutest!
I can't believe he is almost 17 months.  time really does go so fast.  He makes me so happy and I can't wait to get him every morning.  One of the happiest little dudes I know.  I love you Walker babe!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

NYC stole our hearts........ Part 1

Brandon and I have been wanting to take a trip to NYC since we got married (well mainly me) haha.  He was on board about a year ago and we decided to start saving.  New York is somewhere we felt like we couldn't go if we were going to be strapped for cash.  I guess thats why it took us three years to get there.  Go big or go home right?!?! In December flights were so cheap we decided to just go for it.  We kept looking at the Marriott Marquis and the rates were out of control, but that was always our first choice.  We heard nothing but great things about this hotel and it was right in the heart of Times Square.... you cant go wrong there! That night we looked at hotel rates and they were so good we decided to just do it.  It was official we were finally going!!!!!!!  With Brandon being so busy with school and work, a trip is exactly what we needed....with NO baby!  We never saw Brandon. literally.  So we loved having something to look forward to.  We knew our Summer was going to be something new and different with moving to California and a vacay for the both of us was the best thing to start it off.  We packed up our house and headed to California for 4 months while the husband does an Internship for school.  It worked out great leaving Walker with my parents, especially our first time leaving him and we were leaving for a WEEK!!! ahhh.  I felt fine about leaving him until we were literally walking out the door.  He cried (Walker), I cried, we were a hot mess, but after about 24 hours we were both over and having so much fun in NY and he forgot all about us with all the attention from my family.  Anyways we did it and it was the best trip ever! We will never forget it and It may have taken us three years to go, but it was well worth it.  The food, the shows, the hotel, the subway, being the ultimate tourists, the shopping, and just exploring this big/little city together!  I can never thank Brandon enough for finally biting the bullet and letting us go.  We still talk about it and miss it so much.  If he wanted to move there I wouldn't even think twice, yes i LOVE it that much haha.  One thing we will never forget is all the things we did and how tired we were.  We cant even explain how worn out we were, but we couldn't stop.  So much to see and so much to do!  Could have easily stayed for three or four more days.  7 days was not enough in the big apple! I heart you NY...... until next time (there will be a next time)
I apologize for the worlds longest blog post, but I cant really sum this one up...

At LBC airport...redeye couldn't be more excited!!
We arrived at 6am and were so tired but full of excitement.  We went straight to my cousins house in queens (where we were staying for the night) rested for a bit and off the city we went. Came out of the subway and had NOOOO idea where we were.  Found our way to midtown and got on our bus tour, got soaked, ate lunch, walked around the biggest department store you would ever see (Macys). For dinner we ate in Queens near my cousins house and it was delicious NY food.
Grand Central Station
(colder than we thought, you may get sick of my yellow coat, I was) haha

So much energy in times Square!! 


 rained on us haha we were soaked
and freeeeezing
One of my most favorite days... LIVE WITH KELLY!!! so much fun and so fun to see the behind the scenes.  I watch her every morning while me and Walker have breakfast.  She is the cutest thing and so genuine.  We loved the Upper West Side.  The Manhattan temple is right by where we were and that was awesome to see.  We ate Breakfast at one of my favorite places, Cafe Lao, did our second day of the bus tour, ate at the famous Grays Papaya, and at night we walked around....oh and ran into Sarah Jessica biggie right?!?!

Isn't she pretty?!?!

Me and Kelly..... NBD

So yummy

Us at Kelly


A random pic of our view from our hotel room...

Gossip Girl anyone?


Friday was a BUSY day. Woke up tried to find our way down south to the 9/11 memorial.  We got tickets in advance and and so glad we did, it was AMAZING!!  so humbling and makes you  realize what these people went through.  From there we walked across the brooklyn bridge and ate at the famous Grimaldis for a late lunch (yummy), walked back, got ready for Wicked.  Brandon has never been to a broadway and absolutely loved it, so glad :)

North pool

Twin towers being rebuilt.....amazing

everyone who was in the buildings had their names around each pool and people would put these little wood tokens in them

this tree stood tall through everything and they replanted it in the memorial

The church where all the firefighters would go to rest or people would go if they were hurt.  Amazing that nothing happened to it